It's starting to feel like it should....maybe?

The semester is over. Which is exciting.

I made it out alive with 2 A's, which I felt was pretty awesome.

I have only one semester left. 202 days.

And I'll be Caralyn Corso, RN-BSN.

It feels a little on the surreal side, being so close to what I'm working so hard for.

Sure, I'm an LVN right now, getting to work as a floor nurse, and I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity and the experience.

I wouldn't trade the journey it's taken me to get here.

I used to have a lot of regret for not thinking about what I was supposed to do after I graduated high school.

I used to have a lot of regret that it would take me so long to get here.

I used to have a lot of regret that I didn't go to TWU on a scholarship like I could have..

I used to have a lot of regret.

I don't regret that anymore. The path I took was longer, and took more effort, and energy, and sacrifices... and there was a lot of hardship along the way.

It wasn't easy to get here.

But I don't regret it anymore.

The growth I had to go through... the maturing, the lessons, the so very dark times I visited along the way....

It's shaped me. In ways that not everyone will go through. And I am the person that I am today because of it.

I'm so ready to begin the next phase of my life. I'm so ready to no longer be a student all the time, but to be a nurse. Not just a floor nurse, but an ICU nurse. I'm so ready to get the education and the experience I need to deal with trauma's, to maybe one day become a flight nurse, and eventually travel to disaster sites, to places that are in dire need of medical care, to offer hope to people who have given up hope.

I'm so ready to see what God has intended for me.

I knew from the beginning that with nursing, this wasn't about me. This wasn't going to just be a steady career and a job that pays well, living in a house with a picket fence outside, 2.5 kids and a dog.

The urgency and the overwhelming certainty I had in knowing that I was supposed to be a nurse made me feel like this was going to be a whole lot bigger than just me.

Dreams and passions I had when I was a little girl came back, and callings I had felt placed on my life suddenly seemed to make sense, and have a purpose.

But school did not go easy for me. Grades wise, everything seemed to click. But outside studying, things weren't always great.

One of my instructors in my LVN program told me once near the end of the year, "Caralyn, it seems like Satan is doing everything in his power to stop you from doing this."

And maybe she was right.

But I made it through. I became an LVN. I passed my NCLEX. I finally found a job, and moved to Tyler, and was accepted into the nursing program, and began my life here.

But this hasn't been easy either. Dark days were here as well.

But the depression that weighed so heavily on my soul never found me when I was working. The joy and purpose and life that I knew I was supposed to have stayed with me when I was at work.

I found joy in helping patients feel better. I found peace in holding a patient's hand as they told me their story. I found hope in knowing that people began to recognize that I wasn't just a new nurse, but that I was a good nurse.

I found hope in the fact that though the days were dark, the nights I worked made clear the purpose that God had for me.

The depression began to lift, and I found friends, and encouragement, and the days didn't seem so dark anymore.

But there has been one constant that has stayed with me...

and I don't know that I've recognized it until just recently.

The hopes I have for what God might use me for are great. The plans and dreams I have can go many ways, but they all lead in the similar direction. I'm so anxious to be there. I'm so ready to do what I've been and am still being trained for. The calling on my life seems so within my grasp.

The words that some unknown lady spoke over me when I was at the close of my mission trip in 2002, 9 years ago, are resounding in my soul. "God has an awesome plan for you, and he is going to use you. And if you are uncertain about what you think God is telling you, don't be. You are called to missions, and God is going to use you in awesome ways."

But fear is resounding in my soul as well.

Fear has been with me since the beginning.

I don't think I used to be someone who was so afraid. Or maybe I was, but I don't know If I ever felt that I had anything to be afraid of. Until now.

The verse "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind" was my mantra when I would walk through the dark bushes traipsing back and forth from Hali's house.

It was my mantra when the storms got a little scary. When it was dark and I was home alone, I would say those words.

But I haven't said them in a long time, because I didn't realize that it was fear that was gathering a hold over me.

I'm afraid of getting sick. Nursing school has made a slight hypochondriac out of me. The trembling I see in my hands occasionally makes me wonder if I have multiple sclerosis, and if that will stop me from being a nurse. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I ended up with cancer. What if I am in a car accident that paralyzes me? What if I die too soon, before all the dreams I have can be accomplished?

And then I fear for my job. What if one day I make a mistake that causes me to lose my license?

And there is such thing as a healthy fear, which all nurses need to have when taking care of their patients. But I take that fear home with me, and it magnifies. I fear I didn't do enough, or I did too little, or I missed something. I fear that my action caused a fatal mishap, or an extreme change in the patients status. I fear for their life and my license.

If I lose my license, the dreams would not come to pass. If my actions caused the death of a patient, it would weigh so heavily on my soul that I don't know that I could bear it.

I fear relationships. I fear letting anyone getting to close, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid I'll fall in love too hard and lose sight of the dreams I have, and give them up. I'm afraid of losing something or someone I love. I'm afraid of having children, not only for the wreckage it can have on my own body, but for all the things that could go wrong in pregnancy, labor, and in the child's life. I fear the responsibility. I fear that things could all go wrong.

I fear that God has taken my family away and left me behind when I can't get a hold of them.

I fear that my mistakes and sins are in the end too great, and that God can't possibly forgive me.

The fear resonates within me, all the time. I didn't know it was fear.

And then I was sitting next to a lady on the plane last week, and she was talking about her first failed marriage due to his use of drugs, and how devastating that was for her, and now she was on her way to meet her fiancée, with whom she would finally get to start a family. And I made a passing comment of how relationships don't really appeal to me, because what if something like that happened?

And she said, "What if it does? You learn from it. and you move on."

And I kind of stared at her... because it's true.

When the bad things happen in your life, you learn from it, and move on.

Life doesn't always deal a pretty card. but whatever it deals, you learn, and move on.

So what am I so afraid of?

God has not given me a spirit of fear.

God told me he would never leave me or forsake me.

He told me not to be anxious, because he would take care of me.

He takes hold of my hand and walks with me, and tells me not to fear, because he is with me, that he will help me.

He told me to be strong and courageous, that I should not be afraid for He is with me, and he is walking with me, and that he will never leave me nor forsake me.

He gave me peace. Not fear. Peace. He told me not to let my hear be troubled by fear.

I recognize the fear.

I'm calling out the fear. And I'm searching and praying for His perfect love.

'There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

1John 4:18

Not gonna lie, the last sentence kinda makes me feel as though because I have fear, I'm not truly a believer, not really saved.

Because shouldn't I not have fear? Do I not have his perfect love? Do I have to work towards that?

Is that only when I get to heaven, or should I feel no fear now?

I didn't intend to end this on an inquisitory note.