When It's Good, It'll Feel Like It Should

No, it won't all go the way it should.... But I know, the heart of Life is good.

2012-01-12T23:21:00.000-06:00

Life doesn't always go the way you plan, and God doesn't always take you down the road you want to go.
But He remains faithful. He remains merciful. He continually reminds me that the plans that He has for me are to prosper, and not to harm.

I so desperately wanted to move to Portland, Oregon.

So, when applying for jobs this last semester of nursing school, I applied only in Oregon.
After talking to Minda, who encouraged me not to limit God, I applied to hospitals in Washington as well.

And then, because I felt like I probably shouldn't shut the door completely, and to "not limit" God, I applied for 2 hospitals in Texas.

I got an interview with both of those hospitals in Texas.

I didn't get anything back from the places I wanted to be.

Within 2 hours of leaving an interview, for an ED new nurse residency position, at a Level 1 Trauma Center, in Downtown Dallas, I received an offer.

Needless to say, it's been hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm still in Texas.

While the job is an incredible position, and the experience that I will get will be absolutely unlike anywhere else, it's still hard to hear Oregon mentioned, especially Portland.

As much as I love my apartment, and the location... It's still hard to think that I'm not in some little apartment on Mississippi Street.

As excited as I am to stay near friends, go to an awesome church, and discover life here... I'm so sad about the fact that I don't get to be near my aunt and uncle, and my new cousin.

I'm sad that I didn't get the adventure that I originally wanted.

However, I'm not bitter or angry. [not anymore, at least].

I 'm so grateful for the fact that I'm FINALLY done with school. I finally graduated, I finally can remove the title of "college student" from my life.

I'm so grateful for the family that has been so encouraging and supportive of every step I've taken.

I'm grateful for the fact that my new apartment is 2.2 miles from my new job.

I'm grateful that I can see my mom on a regular basis.

I'm grateful that I have a job, as so many new graduate nurses won't, and don't.

I'm grateful that I'm working in the field I want to be in. I didn't have to settle for a position that might eventually get me to where I want to be. I'm in the area I want to be.

I'm grateful that there are people here who already are reaching out to me, just because of a legacy that was left behind by my sister.

I'm grateful that I'll get to have a life again.... [though it won't be anything like yours, Minda]

I'm grateful for so many things.
I'm grateful for my health, my job, my family, and the fact that even though I'm not in Portland, I'm where God has intended for me to be.

bigger.

2011-10-11T11:11:00.001-05:00

He is bigger than deadlines.
He is bigger than Portland.
He is bigger than residency's in Dallas.
He is bigger than connections.
He is bigger than what I so desperately want.
He is bigger than what I'm hesitant to take.
He is bigger.

He knows the desires of my heart. He knows what I need. He knows where I will flourish.

He is bigger.

yogax

2011-09-08T18:42:00.001-05:00

I'm on week 3 of P90X-- today was yoga, and i felt amazing by the end! I was able to do all the asana's with each pose, and only went into cobra pose instead of upward dog a few time. Warrior 3 will still take some work in regards to balance, and the twisting triangle still needs some help, but beyond the asana section, I was able to keep up so much better! I'm still not able to grab during the extended right angle pose and grab move, but i did touch my fingers for a moment on my right side, so that was a step up.
The balance poses were also good- standing leg extension is still something I have yet to conquer, but I keep trying, which is all I can really do.
I held crane for like, 10 seconds today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was freaking PUMPED!!!! And I did a successful shoulder stand and made it into plough, feet touching the floor and everything!!!

All in all, I felt like it was a very successful yoga day- and I now love Yoga X :)

Considering the Lilies

2011-09-07T19:08:00.001-05:00

" God has not given me a spirit of fear.

God told me he would never leave me or forsake me.

He told me not to be anxious, because he would take care of me.

He takes hold of my hand and walks with me, and tells me not to fear, because he is with me, that he will help me.

He told me to be strong and courageous, that I should not be afraid for He is with me, and he is walking with me, and that he will never leave me nor forsake me.

He gave me peace. Not fear. Peace. He told me not to let my heart be troubled by fear.

I recognize the fear.

I'm calling out the fear. And I'm searching and praying for His perfect love.

'There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

1John 4:18

Not gonna lie, the last sentence kinda makes me feel as though because I have fear, I'm not truly a believer, not really saved.

Because shouldn't I not have fear? Do I not have his perfect love? Do I have to work towards that?

Is that only when I get to heaven, or should I feel no fear now?

I didn't intend to end this on an inquisitory note."

I wrote this blog several months ago. I had recognized that I lived fearfully, and no longer wanted to do that. but at the end of my blog, I read a verse that made me feel... less than adequate as a believer. I thought that because I feared, I was not in Christ's love.

Not a surprising thought from the girl who is scared.

My life is about to go through some major upheavals. I'm finally finally finally graduating from college, I'm looking for a new job, I'm planning to move to Portland, Oregon, I'm going to start all over in finding friends, community, and my place in this world [MWS, anyone?]

I will also be very far away from both sisters and my parents. I will be far away from everything that has been familiar.

That starts to become panic inducing for me. What if I don't get a job? What if I have to stay in Tyler? What if I fail my boards? What if I don't make friends? What if? What if?

And I start to become afraid.

Recently, however, I listened to a sermon by Mark Driscoll called "Jesus and Anxiety". He spoke on a chapter in Luke, 12:22-34

²²And he said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. ²³For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. ²⁴ Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! ²⁵And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁶If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?
²⁷Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ²⁸But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! ²⁹And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. ³⁰For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. ³¹Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you. ³² "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. ³³ Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. ³⁴ For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

The part that stuck out to me the most is where Jesus says, "Fear not."

He doesn't say it in a manner that, if I fear, I'm not part of him. He doesn't say it angrily. He says it softly. "Fear not, little flock."

He tells them to fear not, because he knows they fear.

Because he knows they will fear in the future.

Because fear resonates within all of our souls.

What if life doesn't go the way I planned? What if this happens? What if that happens? What if???

And Jesus just keeps telling us to "fear not".

Because he doesn't want me to be anxious or afraid.

Because even though I don't know the whole story, He does. And he has a beautiful, beautiful plan for me. A plan that doesn't want to harm me.

Because it brings him pleasure... GOOD pleasure, to give me the kingdom.

Because he takes care of the lilies, and the ravens, and the beasts of the field. And how much more will he take care of me, of so little faith?

Because he loves me.

Over and over and over he tells me through out the bible, "Fear not! For I am with you.

Fear not! For I am your shield.

Fear not! For I will bless you.

Fear Not! Do not be dismayed.

Fear not! I will come with a vengance and come save you.

Fear Not! For I am the one who helps you.

Fear not! For I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine.

Fear not! Do not be afraid!

Fear not! Peace be with you, be strong and of good courage!

Fear not! My spirit remains with you!

Fear not!

Because he knows that I become afraid. But he loves me, and he is with me, and he will keep me.

I'm letting the burden of my fears go today.. because I have considered the lilies. And they are lovely. And my Jesus loves me more than lilies.

2011-09-05T15:50:00.002-05:00

I've started a food diary.
It's at a website called FitDay, and it keeps track of your weight loss, what you ate, the calories and the protein and the carbs and et cetera. It also charts your activity and tells about how many calories you burned from that. I was considering getting a heart rate monitor to keep a more accurate count of calories burned and my heart rate, but I'll have to budget that one in.

Spent some time at starbucks today studying. Back at the house, about to study some more.

I have some really awesome friends here.
I'm going to do a core synergistic work out today. Today starts week 3 of P90X. I've lost 2lbs since starting it, which is pretty exciting. [especially considering that I gained 3lbs in the first week of starting P90X. and considering that those 2lbs brings my total weight loss down to 22 lbs.]

Because I am getting HEALTHY!!!!

woo!

yay, healthy. and lower blood pressure. and more energy. and less aches. and better fitting clothes.

104 days till graduation!

2011-09-03T21:58:00.002-05:00

I blogged last in May? well that's just ridiculous.
So much has happened since last May! So, let me borrow from my sister and do a few bullet points

made A's in my 2 hardest classes last semester
went to see Lisa and Paul in Arizona right after the semester finished- a much enjoyed break.
Worked like a crazy person when I wasn't getting canceled- I did 8 nights in a row one week. that's intense.
Caught up with some old Denton friends at a wedding, and also had happy hour with my instructors from my LVN program-- good times:)
The world did not end and the rapture did not come to pass, and patient's still had chest pain during med pass.
Applied for graduation!!!
Started running in the morning. I think that lasted for 2 or 3 weeks?
Got another kidney stone that landed me in the ER. From now on, I will always have ant-emetic's on hand so I can take in fluids from home, and not by an IV.
Went to California for the first time ever for Lisa and Paul's wedding, and fell head over heals with running a couple miles down the road to the ocean. Freaking 70 degrees.
Watched my oldest sister get married to an awesome man. I may or may not have cried.
Went to a few winery's and learned how to pronounce 'viognier'.
Said goodbye to my friend Becky who moved back to Mass :(
Went to the lake with my awesome nursing school friends and had good food, good drinks, and fun in the sun:)
Flew to Seattle, and enjoyed the Pacific Northwest while my cousin Rachel married her love:)
Had super awesome espresso made for me every day by my cousins and uncle
Enjoyed an incredible boat ride out on Puget Sound, singing random sounds as loud as we could with my cousins
Flew back to Texas, once more leaving my heart on the West Coast
Read the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series, and fell in love with Bon Iver
Flew to SC, and spent a long weekend at Lake Lure with my Corso family, enjoying incredible food, drinks, wine, and laughter:)
Went to Portland, Oregon, to visit my Aunt and Uncle-- and fell in love with Portland.
Cried when I boarded the plane to come back to Texas.
Started looking up application processes to all hospitals in the Portland area.
Worked more before school started, and reunited with my nursing school friends!!
reached a 20lb weight loss since last August! and a SBP at it's highest of 142 down to 107:)
Started P90X! [i'm a day from the 3rd week!]
Went to my last 1st day of school

I think that hits most of the high points- I'm sure I missed a few:)

Went to Dallas today to have lunch with my mom, dad, and my sister. So glad I went.

Did my P90X tonight, and discovered I have a one and a half pack of abs! that was pretty exciting:)

work comes early, and P90X comes even earlier. Hopefully it won't be 4 months before I blog again.

2011-05-30T02:02:00.002-05:00

Catching up on Bones. Apparently the season finale was quite a shocker, so I decided to watch. And I told Kristen she needed to put it on the DVR for next season. So I can keep up.

I listened to a sermon by Matt Chandler today. I need to start re-listening to him. He's just so good.

I've hit 200 days until graduation. I need to go to the school at some point this week and apply for graduation.

Went and found some shoes for Lisa's wedding. Went grocery shopping. Made my dinner for the next 4 nights. Chopped up all the veggies, bagged up all the snacks. Made the tea. It's not as good as Dad's tea, [I don't know what he does differently than I do...] but it works well.

So I'm going to try to stay up till at least 4-5ish. That's all.

Boring blog post.

It's starting to feel like it should....maybe?

2011-05-28T23:14:00.004-05:00

The semester is over. Which is exciting.

I made it out alive with 2 A's, which I felt was pretty awesome.

I have only one semester left. 202 days.

And I'll be Caralyn Corso, RN-BSN.

It feels a little on the surreal side, being so close to what I'm working so hard for.

Sure, I'm an LVN right now, getting to work as a floor nurse, and I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity and the experience.

I wouldn't trade the journey it's taken me to get here.

I used to have a lot of regret for not thinking about what I was supposed to do after I graduated high school.

I used to have a lot of regret that it would take me so long to get here.

I used to have a lot of regret that I didn't go to TWU on a scholarship like I could have..

I used to have a lot of regret.

I don't regret that anymore. The path I took was longer, and took more effort, and energy, and sacrifices... and there was a lot of hardship along the way.

It wasn't easy to get here.

But I don't regret it anymore.

The growth I had to go through... the maturing, the lessons, the so very dark times I visited along the way....

It's shaped me. In ways that not everyone will go through. And I am the person that I am today because of it.

I'm so ready to begin the next phase of my life. I'm so ready to no longer be a student all the time, but to be a nurse. Not just a floor nurse, but an ICU nurse. I'm so ready to get the education and the experience I need to deal with trauma's, to maybe one day become a flight nurse, and eventually travel to disaster sites, to places that are in dire need of medical care, to offer hope to people who have given up hope.

I'm so ready to see what God has intended for me.

I knew from the beginning that with nursing, this wasn't about me. This wasn't going to just be a steady career and a job that pays well, living in a house with a picket fence outside, 2.5 kids and a dog.

The urgency and the overwhelming certainty I had in knowing that I was supposed to be a nurse made me feel like this was going to be a whole lot bigger than just me.

Dreams and passions I had when I was a little girl came back, and callings I had felt placed on my life suddenly seemed to make sense, and have a purpose.

But school did not go easy for me. Grades wise, everything seemed to click. But outside studying, things weren't always great.

One of my instructors in my LVN program told me once near the end of the year, "Caralyn, it seems like Satan is doing everything in his power to stop you from doing this."

And maybe she was right.

But I made it through. I became an LVN. I passed my NCLEX. I finally found a job, and moved to Tyler, and was accepted into the nursing program, and began my life here.

But this hasn't been easy either. Dark days were here as well.

But the depression that weighed so heavily on my soul never found me when I was working. The joy and purpose and life that I knew I was supposed to have stayed with me when I was at work.

I found joy in helping patients feel better. I found peace in holding a patient's hand as they told me their story. I found hope in knowing that people began to recognize that I wasn't just a new nurse, but that I was a good nurse.

I found hope in the fact that though the days were dark, the nights I worked made clear the purpose that God had for me.

The depression began to lift, and I found friends, and encouragement, and the days didn't seem so dark anymore.

But there has been one constant that has stayed with me...

and I don't know that I've recognized it until just recently.

The hopes I have for what God might use me for are great. The plans and dreams I have can go many ways, but they all lead in the similar direction. I'm so anxious to be there. I'm so ready to do what I've been and am still being trained for. The calling on my life seems so within my grasp.

The words that some unknown lady spoke over me when I was at the close of my mission trip in 2002, 9 years ago, are resounding in my soul. "God has an awesome plan for you, and he is going to use you. And if you are uncertain about what you think God is telling you, don't be. You are called to missions, and God is going to use you in awesome ways."

But fear is resounding in my soul as well.

Fear has been with me since the beginning.

I don't think I used to be someone who was so afraid. Or maybe I was, but I don't know If I ever felt that I had anything to be afraid of. Until now.

The verse "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind" was my mantra when I would walk through the dark bushes traipsing back and forth from Hali's house.

It was my mantra when the storms got a little scary. When it was dark and I was home alone, I would say those words.

But I haven't said them in a long time, because I didn't realize that it was fear that was gathering a hold over me.

I'm afraid of getting sick. Nursing school has made a slight hypochondriac out of me. The trembling I see in my hands occasionally makes me wonder if I have multiple sclerosis, and if that will stop me from being a nurse. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I ended up with cancer. What if I am in a car accident that paralyzes me? What if I die too soon, before all the dreams I have can be accomplished?

And then I fear for my job. What if one day I make a mistake that causes me to lose my license?

And there is such thing as a healthy fear, which all nurses need to have when taking care of their patients. But I take that fear home with me, and it magnifies. I fear I didn't do enough, or I did too little, or I missed something. I fear that my action caused a fatal mishap, or an extreme change in the patients status. I fear for their life and my license.

If I lose my license, the dreams would not come to pass. If my actions caused the death of a patient, it would weigh so heavily on my soul that I don't know that I could bear it.

I fear relationships. I fear letting anyone getting to close, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid I'll fall in love too hard and lose sight of the dreams I have, and give them up. I'm afraid of losing something or someone I love. I'm afraid of having children, not only for the wreckage it can have on my own body, but for all the things that could go wrong in pregnancy, labor, and in the child's life. I fear the responsibility. I fear that things could all go wrong.

I fear that God has taken my family away and left me behind when I can't get a hold of them.

I fear that my mistakes and sins are in the end too great, and that God can't possibly forgive me.

The fear resonates within me, all the time. I didn't know it was fear.

And then I was sitting next to a lady on the plane last week, and she was talking about her first failed marriage due to his use of drugs, and how devastating that was for her, and now she was on her way to meet her fiancée, with whom she would finally get to start a family. And I made a passing comment of how relationships don't really appeal to me, because what if something like that happened?

And she said, "What if it does? You learn from it. and you move on."

And I kind of stared at her... because it's true.

When the bad things happen in your life, you learn from it, and move on.

Life doesn't always deal a pretty card. but whatever it deals, you learn, and move on.

So what am I so afraid of?

God has not given me a spirit of fear.

God told me he would never leave me or forsake me.

He told me not to be anxious, because he would take care of me.

He takes hold of my hand and walks with me, and tells me not to fear, because he is with me, that he will help me.

He told me to be strong and courageous, that I should not be afraid for He is with me, and he is walking with me, and that he will never leave me nor forsake me.

He gave me peace. Not fear. Peace. He told me not to let my hear be troubled by fear.

I recognize the fear.

I'm calling out the fear. And I'm searching and praying for His perfect love.

'There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

1John 4:18

Not gonna lie, the last sentence kinda makes me feel as though because I have fear, I'm not truly a believer, not really saved.

Because shouldn't I not have fear? Do I not have his perfect love? Do I have to work towards that?

Is that only when I get to heaven, or should I feel no fear now?

I didn't intend to end this on an inquisitory note.

2011-02-14T19:56:00.003-06:00

I'm not lonely this Valentine's. I have lovely friends, a wonderful family, and a career that I love. I have only 305 days left of school, and I'm not wanting or lacking for anything. I have a God who loves me despite and in spite of all of my flaws, mistakes, and imperfections.

Today, I'm not wishing for a Valentine.

2011-02-04T00:29:00.002-06:00

so i'm pretty sure i peaked in high school. it's all downhill from here.

not exciting.

and i think i peaked in almost every form- in socialness, in charm, and friendliness, in looks, in skin....

let's face it.

looking at pictures from high school to myself in the mirror is depressing.

I'm depressing.

this is a depressing post.

i'm gonna go not eat now.

322 days left...

2011-01-28T21:11:00.002-06:00

Odd confession:

Whenever I call a family member, if I don't get a hold of them I try to call someone else in my immediate family. Every time I call all four of them [5, I guess, including the house phone] and no one answers the phone, I inwardly wonder if the Rapture came and I was left behind. It's all very unsettling.

On a brighter note, I had a lovely week of care-packages. Mom and Dad sent me pistachios and breakfast bars and candy and ink cartridges and a hole puncher! and a lovely card with paper money in it:) it was super awesome. and super appreciated.

And then today, I came home to another yet very unexpected package from Lisa and Paul! with candy and love and cards:) again, super awesome and super appreciated.

So I felt pretty loved this week. It was pretty nice:)

I have the best family in the world. I do wish I could be like them more, cause they are that awesome.

which is probably why i think i'm going to left behind, because I am not as awesome as they are.

325 days left...

2011-01-25T21:54:00.002-06:00

school is in full swing. first test is in 2 weeks, first clinical weekend starts this friday, and I study every single day, all the time.

what a sad life i lead.

what's even sadder is that i kind of enjoy it. except for the fact that i hate it. it's a love hate thing.

don't ask. i don't get it either.

i'm grateful for mom's who let me call them at 11 at night to freak out.

i'm grateful for dad's who agree to send me ink cartridges and paper.

mafia is happening in denton this week. i wish i was in denton this week.

answering NCLEX questions about OB stuff is not as easy when my mother is asleep.

unless it is about the fundus. cause we had a good talk about fundus's [fundi?] this morning.

too bad i didn't have any questions about the fundus.

classical music is my favorite today.

i hate 'teen mom' with a passion. really. what a stupid show. mtv just makes me disgusted.

i think it's bed time.

331 days left

2011-01-19T21:37:00.002-06:00

i did not go work out today. i think i will have to remedy that tomorrow. my emotions were much more frazzled today. i need at least those 30 minutes to calm myself, to focus on something other than nursing school, to zone out and listen to music, to move.

school stresses me. there's a lot, a lot to be done, a lot that isn't done, and not enough time to do it. why can't i sleep less? i so wish i could survive and flourish on just a few hours.

or why can't the days be longer?

currently i'm listening to lectures.

it's the kind of lecture that doesn't require intense focusing. hence the blog.

p.s.

2011-01-18T19:19:00.002-06:00

why do these nursing instructors think that i have a plethora of 70 + adults running around me? and when do they think I'm going to have the time or the weekend to run off to paris or somewhere to interview them?

stupid.

I need to know more old people.

332 days left

2011-01-18T18:09:00.003-06:00

today was the first day of the semester.

I'm exhausted, and it's only 6pm.

the instructors seem much more organized this year. which is a plus.

It's definitely going to be extremely busy.

ugh. very busy.

i'm anxious to get my clinical dates locked down. I hope I get to go to baylor.

I drank my last soft drink of the semester last night.

I brought my lunch to school today, because I had my last meal out yesterday afternoon.

and today, I went 30 minutes on the elliptical. my heart rate gets unsafely high, i think. not great. but we'll work at it.

I really want to take a nap.

but school has begun, there are chapters to be read, lectures to be heard, and notes to be taken.

so it begins.

But I am le tired....

2010-11-06T22:49:00.002-05:00

really. tired.

bed time.

yes. but harry potter is on.

but i have to work in the morning.

maybe they'll cancel me.

at least it's daylight savings time. I get an extra hour.

i'm tired of being tired.

fairytale brownies and those who send them make me happy.

spiced cider makes me happy

christmas lights make me happy.

candles make me happy. especially frosted sugar and cinnamon spice.

cold weather makes me happy.

friends make me happy.

good night.

When Did November Get Here?

2010-11-01T23:21:00.001-05:00

Seriously?

When?

Today, I went on a walk with my friend Kelsey and her dog Oliver.

I then studied.

All day long.

Now, I'm telling you, my few readers [but so cherished readers] about my day.

And then back to studying.

Also, Butler, if you are reading this?

I called you back.

That is all.

this is really pointless

2010-10-31T15:15:00.003-05:00

Today was church.

I'd like to go on a medical mission. Like, I really really want to.

I then went to the library and printed out an obscene amount of pages that will constitute my studying notes for the next three days.

I made cookies. Chocolate chip cookies. The house smells pleasant because of them.

I also made a dinner of sauteed chicken and rice. It was quite filling.

Now, I'm sitting on my couch, with a glass of milk, a cookie, and my notes spread out before me.

I'm procrastinating.

Golf is on the television [on mute].

I injured myself while baking. It was an odd injury.

I should probably stop procrastinating now.

There are more people than just my mother who read my blog

2010-10-29T20:58:00.002-05:00

so I do apologize for that misstatement. but since my mother is the one who questions about my lack of blogging, that was why i specifically pointed her out.

I went to a mental hospital today.

It was interesting.

I have no desire to work in a mental hospital.

I took a walk today with my friend Kelsey, her dog Ollie, and my roommate Kristen. It was a pleasant walk. We're going to do it again tomorrow!

I'm drinking spiced tea and will soon start reading about heart failure.

My instructors lecture AND the medication hand-out sheet provided stated that Byetta was an IM drug.

This is COMPLETELY FALSE.

It's subcutaneous.

I really enjoyed that I could point that out to someone.

I'm not going to be anything for halloween. except for a nursing student with no social life.

I'm posting because I love my mother

2010-10-26T21:37:00.002-05:00

Hi mother.

I know you are the only one who reads this. So hello.

I got Taylor Swift's new album yesterday, and I think it's magical.

She makes me feel all girly and fun, and then my heart breaks sometimes because I wish I could write out my pain and heartbreak and crushes and life statements so poetically and whimsically as her.

John Mayer makes me feel the same way, but I like Taylor as a person better than I like JM as a person.

I adore John Mayer the Musician, but John Mayer the man makes me sad. He is so desperate for that 'something more', but he just doesn't know what he's looking for. He thinks 'love' is the answer, but I don't think he knows how to love.

Anyways.

I'm sitting in my living room with one of my roommates, Kristin. And my other half-kinda-roommate, Zach. He doesn't actually live here, but he's here enough to be considered a roommate.

They are pretty awesome. And since they know I'm blogging at this very moment, I shall write about them.

Kristin and I have decided we would be like the ultimate brain force if they would let us take tests together. We'd make 100's on everything. It's too bad we don't get to take group tests.

I had a meeting tonight and then dinner with Kelsey afterwards.

I might or might not admit to the ice-cream cone that's lying on the sidewalk.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day of class, lecture, meetings, and more meetings.

I need more hours in the day. That would be considerate.

Sometimes I wish that I could fast-forward my life, so I wasn't in nursing school, and I was living somewhere with sidewalks and city lights and changing leaves.

But apparently, James Taylor told me that the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.....

so maybe I'm supposed to enjoy.

Nursing school isn't something I enjoy, persay. But I do enjoy the people I'm with.

So that's enough.

2010-10-13T21:48:00.001-05:00

Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.

All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.
But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.
Are You there?

And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just Want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Are you small enough?
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Don't you just love NY in the Fall? oh... I'm not in NY.

2010-09-28T17:51:00.003-05:00

My mother came to see me yesterday. Every time I talk to her, and every time I see her she tells me "You know, you haven't updated your blog in a really long time".

My mom likes to read my blog. And I do like to write them. And I have lots of things to write about. I'm inspired almost every day, it seems like.

Unfortunately, I don't blog them. Mainly because I'm to tired to sit down and put my thoughts together in a coherent manner. It's because I'm in nursing school. There's no extra time for thoughts out side of textbooks, clinicals, papers, and presentations. The times I do have a moment to sit down and write, I'm too tired.

So my blogging has fallen by the wayside. Because I'm weary.

So I shall catch you up on my life.

I'm no longer full time at the hospital I work at. I pick up hours when I can, and they've been really awesome about being flexible with me. I go to school, I go to clinicals, I study a lot, I visit Einstein's often, and I sleep whenever I can.

I also have roommates this year!

I moved out of the apartments of fear, and into this quaint little home that's less than a minute away from the hospital, about 10 minutes from school, and it has a yard. And a washer and dryer inside the house. Which is magical.

My roommates are awesome, and we all get along really well. Which is a plus.

And currently, I have malaise. Which I hope means nothing more than I'm tired. And not the beginnings of the flu. Or a brain tumor.

The weather has gotten cooler, which is lovely and wonderful.

I saw John Mayer again, and it was beyond adjectives that I have in my vocabulary of wonderful.

Tonight is Glee.

This Sunday is my last Sunday clinical, which means I get to go back to Soma.

I've nothing else of consequence to say.

Except that I wish there were more sidewalks and fall weather to go around.

The Promise of Restored Beauty.

2010-06-23T23:51:00.004-05:00

Have you read Genesis lately?

I used to think of Genesis as a book of stories. The stories you tell to your children before they go to sleep at night. The stories that are so trussed up in brightly colored children's books that Christian bookstores make a killing off of. [Yes, I know, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Deal.]

Not that Genesis wasn't important, mind you. I mean, the story of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The story of Noah, Adam, and Eve... these are all pretty significant players in the foundation of Christianity and Judaism.

But still.... stories. Just stories. I just considered it a book of stories.

Until tonight, that is.

I read Genesis again today, and I found myself so overwhelmingly disgusted, yet in awe at the same time.

Really, Abraham? How many times can you lie to some king somewhere about your sister, who is in actuality, your wife? And you apparently passed that trait on to your son, Isaac. And reading about Jacob made me want to hit something. I ached for Leah, for her pain and loneliness, for her rejection and seemingly unloved life. I hated that she was so overlooked. I hate the deception and manipulative nature of Jacob, and yet was so surprised at the reunion of him and his brother Esau, who once wanted to kill him. I hated that the sons of Jacob completely destroyed a village/town of people as revenge for their younger sister, when the people were so willing to change their lifestyle for one man's love of this girl. Why can't I know more of that story? Why must Leah be forgotten? Why did Eve so quickly fall trap to the serpent's words, and why didn't Adam man up and be strong for her, for them?

Why did they run from God?

Why was Judah so ready to kill his daughter in law for prostitution, when he was so willing to sleep with her when he thought she was a prostitute? Why were there so many wives, and why didn't they cherish them? There is no beautiful picture of marriage or love in Genesis in regards to a man and wife. Daughters sleeping with fathers, multiple wives, and so much strife. Why so many double standards for the men and women of this time? And how did Joseph stay so faithful to God after everything that happened to him? His brothers sold him, he was framed, thrown in prison, and forgotten by everyone but God for so many years. He lived in a country surround by multiple god's, idols, and sexual immorality. He married a woman who was the daughter of a priest of one of those multiple god's. How did he stay so faithful during all of this?

I had so many questions. I was confounded as to why in the hell God chose Jacob to become a father of His people. I didn't get why he continued to show favor on these people who were so sinful. I wondered why he didn't use Enoch, who walked with God. If at least one of them got it right, why not start with him? Why use the man who lied to his father, stole his brother's birthright, married two women and slept with more, and clearly favored one wife and son?

He chose someone so broken and unclean and not perfect.

And then it kind of hit me.

That's why He chose Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Because they were broken, and sinful, and imperfect.

He let Joseph struggle and succumb to everything going wrong despite his faithfulness, because HE had a plan that reached far beyond a multicolored coat.

Leah suffered and was alone and rejected and unloved by an imperfect man, because God needed to show us that man would not be our fulfillment, children would not be our fulfillment, but that God would fully love, chose, and fill up that loneliness, and God alone. It was Leah, the unloved wife who gave birth to Judah, who slept with Tamar, who produced the bloodline that would lead to the Christ.

Because through our trials, perfection will one day be achieved

He created something so pure and beautiful in the beginning. Earth was unpolluted, and pristine, and a second heaven.

And then man came, and made the wrong choice, and made a mess of everything.

"We've made a mess out of the beauty He created. It doesn't work like it should have.

But he has a plan that our failures cannot destroy. There is a capacity for beauty in our soul that he will restore." [paraphrased from 66 Love Letters by Dr. Larry Crabb]

We keep trying to fix everything ourselves, make these decisions and choices by ourselves, because we, like Adam and Eve, like the patriarchs of old, have fooled ourselves into thinking that we can do a better job than He can. We choose not to trust our creator, that somehow we've got a better plan, that we see the picture better than He can. We try to be in control, to protect ourselves, and it only serves to make it worse.

We keep failing, though. We fear failure, though it makes no sense why. Everyone fails. We fail, we fail, we fail. And we fail some more.

Dr. Crabb wrote this in regarding Jacob, the man I just don't understand why God chose. "He's a good picture of how I change people, slowly, through problems in their lives and failures on their part and an infinite amount of patience and grace on My part."

I'm Jacob. I'm a failure and broken and sinful, and if someone ever read my story one day, they would wonder, "Why in the hell did God chose her to work through? She was so sinful, so broken, so messed up."

But God is changing me slowly... ever so painfully slowly. So that at the end of my life, I will look more like the likeness of Christ than I will myself. It won't be easy, or short. But He'll get the job done. Because He has a plan.

And even when I remain faithful, like Joseph, struggles will still come my way. Bad things will still happen to me. Things that hurt, and make no sense. Things that will make me ask "Why?"

But it's not without purpose. and even though that specific purpose may never be revealed until one day I'm actually talking with Joseph... it was still for a purpose. A purpose and plan that is far above my head, and far greater than me.

"When you finish reading my first love letter to you, I want you to realize that I never underestimated how thoroughly you'd mess up your life or how painfully you would struggle and suffer, and I don't want you to underestimate your failures or struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling. But neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the mess you've made and pain you feel and turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. I love you even when you're messing up badly. I love you in the middle of your pain even though I won't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan and nothing will stop me from carrying it to completion."

My thoughts feel so scattered. But I walk away from reading Genesis with one overwhelming truth. That we are sinful and imperfect, and yet God chooses to use and love us anyway. God takes evil, and makes good. He takes our failures, our mistakes, and creates a story and plan and purpose that is so far beyond what we ever could have done for ourselves. He's promising to restore us, to take the ugly out of us, and make us beautiful.

And he knew it would be painful. He knew it would hurt. He knew we wouldn't always understand. But the process is slow, so at the end, we can look back and understand that to get here, we had to go through all of that.

We will see the purpose, if not today, than someday.

Random Thought #89

2010-04-18T08:09:00.004-05:00

Funny how when you finally admit to yourself that things aren't okay, that God comes in to remind you that He's still in charge, He still loves, and He hasn't forgotten.

And He begins to make things okay again.

Last Sunday, my friend Holly Humble came into town [to get engaged by surprise], and I went to church with her and her fiancée.

From the very beginning prayer, to the songs, to the scripture being read, to the sermon... It was completely and 100% aimed at me.

I cried for the first time in a long time. I felt that Jesus loved me for the first time in a long time. I remembered and believed, with both my heart and my head, that Jesus carried my sins, my mistakes, my burdens, on the cross with Him.

I finally believe, with my heart and my head, that Jesus has forgiven me. That He loves me. That he still considers me His child.

I had honestly convinced myself that there was no more hope for me. that He couldn't possibly want or love me. That he was utterly disgusted by me.

But thankfully, Jesus unconvinced me of that.

I don't think words can describe the place I've been in for the past year. It was a hopeless place, a dark place, a place where the only thing that kept me above water was my love for nursing. Had Jesus not shown himself faithful in providing a job, and my continued education, I don't know that I would have made it.

But HE is faithful. His mercies are new every morning. And His love is unfailing.

Jesus saved me, in more ways than one. He continually saves me. And I don't ever want to forget or doubt his love for me again.

Random Thought #88

2010-04-04T03:50:00.003-05:00

To be honest, for just a moment.

I think last May was the final trigger.

I had been depressed for sometime, and May was where it all went wrong. It was my fault. No matter what anyone says, I can't help feeling that it was all my fault.

It's been nearly a year now, and I haven't really talked to God since then. And it's not because of bitterness, or resentment, or anger.. but simply not feeling like anything I had to say was worth saying.

I didn't feel like I was worth it. I still really struggle with that. I don't feel like I'm worth His time, or anyone else's for that matter. I take such joy in my job, such satisfaction in what I do... and part of the reason is remembering a time when I felt that God had a purpose and a plan for my life.

And now I crave to make what I do worthwhile. I want to give and give and go... because even if no one else thinks that me, as a person, is worth the time and effort, that me, as a nurse, is someone that can do some good in the world, in someone else's life.

I find myself wanting to pray, wanting to talk to God, and immediately I hear that voice saying. "Nothing you have to say is worth it. Why in the world would God want to listen to you? You don't deserve to even talk to Him."
and sometimes I agree.
and sometimes I fight through and speak anyway... but I still feel like I go unheard.

I know my Jesus is faithful. I know, because He proves it in the cloudy rainy days that I love, and in the sunny warm sun that I so appreciate. I know because He proves it in providing me with a family who loves me, and friends who still seem to want to be in my life. He proves it in the new friends I've made, and the provisions with housing and roommates and financial situations.
He proves it in my job, and the skill He has given me to do a good job. He proves it in my school work. He proves it in so many things, yet my brain and my heart won't meet up these days. My head knows the truth, but my heart doesn't think it applies to me anymore.
My patients are the only one who I feel see Jesus in me. It's why I love my job so much. It's why I love taking care of my patients so much. Because I feel at home, there.
I know He forgives, and I know He has forgiven me, and I know that He loves me.

MY heart doesn't think I'm worth any of that.
It's hard to talk to people who talk about all the things they are learning, and their excitement about Jesus, and the constant bringing up of God and cliche things they say about life and their walk and their faith that they say. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to talk back. It's uncomfortable.
The most real conversation about Jesus and faith I had was with my friend Adam, and it was the most refreshing conversation I had had in a long time, because I let myself be a little honest with where I was. He didn't offer any trite sayings back, he just listened, and shared his own feelings, and what he did or remembered to help himself through this times.
But aside from that, I feel like I fake through so much.

It's been a little better lately. I can feel a shift. I can feel a small change. And I am clinging to the hope that this is still just a season, and it will pass, and one day, I'll be okay again, and one day, my heart will agree with my head.

And it's Easter, and I know that he died for me, and I know that he carried all my sins on the cross, and bore that weight....
but I'm still trying to reconcile my heart with the truth, that his mercies are new every morning since that day.

Random Thought #87

2010-03-29T08:39:00.003-05:00

A few things:

I'm listening to Relient K these days, and loving it. These lyrics are my heart these days
"How many times
Can I push it aside
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts of all the things that haunt me most
So they leave me alone
Move on with my life
Be certain the steps of left and right don't fight the direction of upright

I'd rather forget and not slow down
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now
If I become what I can't accept
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch
Pour over me and wash my hands of it

It's time to decide
Which is out of my mind
Cause it'll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind
I'll watch the glint in my eye
Shine off the spring in my step
And could be blinding depending on the amount of You that I reflect

Cause I could spend my life just trying to sift through
What I could've done better but what good do what ifs do
There's something I should tell you now"

Yes, I like that song very much.
I'm in pharmacology, and someone just came to talk to me- I had my headphones in, so I'm sure I looked like a real nice person ignoring her, when I just didn't realize anyone was there.

Einstein's is my favorite.
I'm reading in Roman's right now. I think I need Beth Moore to do an in-depth study on it. That would be great.

I woke up this morning with a fresh feeling. Like, a good feeling. Like, I finally stepped on the path to "getting where it's good". Like, hope, maybe. And I can't recall the last time I felt that.

I went home this weekend. Even though it was for barely a day and a half, it was so good. Calvary Chapel was good. Jason's sermon was good. I forget so much, sometimes.

"This one last bullet you mention, is my one last shot at redemption"

Random Thought #86

2010-01-31T17:28:00.003-06:00

man, I love john mayer. for real.

"one of the many
one of the few
to stand back and wait for you

excuse me Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can
though we both know that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me, if you wanted me

I am the man on the side
hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
Life as the man on the side

I fell in love with the dream that I built of you
playing the part of the queen
taking my own advice
I'm giving up tonight
good luck to you and the king"

Random Thought #85

2010-01-25T07:53:00.003-06:00

I have a girl crush on Taylor Swift.

That is all.

Random Thought #84

2010-01-18T10:18:00.003-06:00

I get so angry at others when they do things that hurt the people I love. I get angry, and I hate that they don't value the hearts, feelings, and emotions of the ones that I hold so dearly in my own heart.
I hate the density, the lack of respect, and the sheer stupidity I see out of these people.

These are my friends. These are my brothers. These are my sisters. This is my family you are disrespecting.

Yet, when I think about it... I let it go when it happens to me. In fact, I try my best to take the blame.
And logically I know I should get just as enraged when it happens to me.

I just don't know why I don't.

Random Thought #83

2010-01-11T20:59:00.003-06:00

First day of class was today. I think it won't be horrible. Which is encouraging.

Today I realized I dress... frumpy. I do. Even when I try to dress up, I still end up looking frumpy.

And then I had another realization: I'm completely okay with that.
Weird.

The more I watch 30 rock, the more I realize, I'm going to turn into the Liz Lemon of the nursing world.
I already dress like her. And eat like her.
And I have the alliteration of my first and last name.

Random Thought #82

2010-01-10T22:30:00.002-06:00

Well my printer went on the fritz tonight. That was most unfortunate. As was my subsequent trip to WalMart to purchase replacement.
And I swear, every time I go into Wal-Mart... it's just ridiculous. Like, how tonight-- there are 33 lanes in the Wal-Mart I was in. And one was open. One. Uno.
dumb.

So tomorrow is my first day of school, again. I've plans to go to Einstein's before class. Coffee and a bagel has to make my day go better.

I think I need a way to measure the next two years here. Like, a countdown of sorts. But not like a calender, because that seems too daunting. And discouraging.

I think I'd like to travel some this summer. Go to Connecticut to visit Meagan. SC to see my aunt and uncle and hang out at the lake. Portland to see my other aunt and uncle. AZ to see Lisa and Paul.
This is all very dependent on my saving skills, plane tickets, and whether or not I have a new car.
I'd kind of like to drive. See a little scenery along the way. Take some PTO and see what's out there.
Who knows?

I love scrubs. the clothing and the tv show.

And for the mandatory vague statement of the post that combines every situation in my life into 1 paragraph:
I think it finally clicked. and I don't know how I feel about it. But I think it's going to turn out all right, in the end. I mean, it has to, right?
Because I want to be okay in the end. I want to end up better than okay.
And I want more defined cheekbones.
That I can get all on my own.

Random Thought #81

2010-01-09T04:33:00.004-06:00

Snow Patrol's song "Make This Go On Forever" gives me chills.
I work tonight.
I went grocery shopping yesterday. I now own a crockpot. Get excited
I organized basically my life last night. All my school stuff is in giant folders and labeled, while I bought one of those expanding organizer things that have like 20 folders, and got all my important things situated. I feel accomplished.
My bedroom feels a bit more homey. Which is good.
I need pictures. I have picture frames, but no pictures. So, you should send me some. Yes, you. do it. now.
School starts on Monday.
Going to Denton was so good. I won't have another chance till probably May, actually. Which, is kinda no fun.
Signed up for some extra shifts this schedule, and hoping I'll get them.
I need to start saving up for a vehicle.
I need to buy a router.
I want fancy sheets.
People drive really loud vehicles on my road.
If you come visit me, I'll make some fancy Italian food, and we'll eat, drink, and be merry. Sound good? good.
I'm wearing the most comfortable pj's right now.
And since it's 5 in the am, I think I'll go to bed.

Random Thought #80

2010-01-04T02:53:00.003-06:00

Just discovered the TV show Community, and I do believe it might be my new favorite TV show.

I need to clean my apartment before I go to Denton tomorrow. I get a few days of freedom, then real life begins again.
Real life that includes school once more.

I'm going to try to pick up extra shifts when I can during the semester, and pull as much overtime as possible during the summers. Save up, get a car, travel some.

710 days.

And I will flee this place.

Possibilities of travel are seductive. I've plans to convince Meagan to just move with me, and we can go live somewhere for a year or two, for fun. I can work, get my RN experience in, and be okay.

I'm trying to figure out how to make my bedroom more inviting. [to myself that is, not random strangers].
I don't sleep in my bed anymore. Haven't in at least a month. My room is so bare and unfamiliar. Also, I need to figure out where my study sanctuary will be.

I also need a router.
I'm going to run tomorrow. Do some yoga. Sleep. Drive to Denton.

I need to buy scrubs, and order my books.

I need to organize my life. I need to find my peace.

And I need to wash my hair.

Random Thought #79

2010-01-02T08:34:00.005-06:00

I'm deciding that busy-ness is my new favorite thing. And I <3 my coworkers. And my job.
I need it.

Happy.

2010-01-01T08:29:00.018-06:00

Happy New Year!

To say this year has been eventful would be a vast understatement.

[see? vast.]

It's been a year of challenges.

A year of changes

A year of laughter

A year of tears.

This year was without a doubt, one of the most difficult years of my life. Yet every year, I feel like I say the same thing. Does that mean life gets harder?

I'm not real sure.

But, I did accomplish some pretty cool things this year!

One, being graduating with my LVN.

Two, getting accepted into the BSN program at UT Tyler.

Three, getting a job at ETMC on the telemetry floor.

Four, moving to Tyler to live all by myself.

My oldest sister got engaged this year.

I had several dear friends get married.

I moved away from my best friend.

Unfortunately, this year wasn't completely amazing. I made a few foolish mistakes that brought a lot of heartache to myself and to people around me.
Those mistakes, however, bring wisdom. Marketa Irglova said it best--
"I wish I didn't have to make those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning"

I learned a whole lot about trust this year. I learned a lot about leaning on others when you aren't strong enough to do it on your own. I have debts that I will never be able to repay to those people.

I also learned that no matter how many times you convince yourself you'll never make that mistake again, it always comes back to haunt you, and you find yourself in the same shoes all over again. And for the record, that reeeeallly sucks.

I've learned a lot this year. It's been the epitome of bittersweet.
While I can only hope for what the New Year may bring, that resides in God's hands.

So may your reflection on your past year be one of sweet nostalgia, and the hope of your new year be bright.

Random Thought #78

2009-12-31T16:47:00.002-06:00

Once in a while, when it's good, it will feel like it should....

I've just got to get to where it's good.

Tuition is paid. I need to buy books and get my scrubs. For the next four [five?] months, expect me to disappear from the face of the earth.
Working full time, going to school full time, and things of that nature.
I'm going to take an ACLS class come March, I think. That excites me tremendously.
I don't want any free time on my hands for awhile.

It's New Years Eve, and I'm bringing the New Year in where I'm happiest-- my job.

Random Thought #77

2009-12-08T21:30:00.002-06:00

My tree is lit, Charlie Brown Christmas is playing on my iTunes, and I'm drinking red wine.
I feel like it can't get much better than that.

Oh wait, it could. I could not be alone.

But, tonight I am, and that is okay. Because I have a Christmas tree, and Christmas music, and red wine.

I hung up a mirror/shelf/keyhook thing beside my door tonight. I love that it's so short that probably no one but me will be able to use it without bending down.

So when buying whole grain pasta, it's really a chance on whether or not the brand will be any good.
The brand I made tonight was just terrible. Saaaaaaaaaaaaad.

part of Lisa's christmas present came in the mail today, and I've got one more thing for my dad's xmas present left to come in.

I think I would like a cat.

Random Thought #76

2009-12-07T21:53:00.003-06:00

Wow, it's been a while, eh?

Life has been busy. I got my acceptance to UT Tyler, finishing up my two classes I've been taking this semester, holiday shopping, turning 22, going to weddings, and decorating my lonely apartment for Christmas.

Found out some sad news tonight, that my dear Holly is moving back to South Carolina. I'm excited for her, and all she will get to experience, but I will surely miss her.

It's been cold and rainy here lately. Which means I get to wear coats and scarfs and hats. A winning combination, I tell you.

I have a Christmas Tree up.

Tonight I drank some red wine, and it was delightful.

I have another "He's Just Not That Into You" post to do [several more, actually]. I'll start again once I finish my final.

He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You...

2009-11-14T23:21:00.002-06:00

Men know how to use the phone-- from the book

And we're on to chapter 2.

This one was interesting. I'm going to include texting in this realm of communication, because it's such a part of our lives these days.
My best friend Meagan and I used to contemplate on why the guy we were interested in, and who seemingly returned those interests, wouldn't call or text for days and weeks at a time.
We were constantly thinking about the male in question, so we couldn't fathom how he could just not call or text us, or forget to, or be too busy.
This was the solution to our thought conundrum:
I had read a book several years ago that described the mental process of men and women like opening up a browser on the computer. Women had a million browsers and pop-ups open all the time, and she was unable to minimize or 'x' out of the screen. Males, on the other hand, had the ability to minimize and 'x' out the screen at their convenince. In fact, they rarely had more than one browser up on the screen at a time.
Hence, we decided that males were single-minded, and if they were ever focusing on something else, then it made sense for them to not think about us.

We excused them from ignoring us because we thought it was only fair. I mean, of course we think about them all the time. We've got their 'browser' right in the forefront of our thoughts, while our browser must be minimized in their minds while they are doing important things, like working, reading the bible, spending time with their friends, not thinking about us for two weeks.....
Wait. What?

Exactly. It's a load of crap.

Oh, sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. Bullsh-t.With the advent of the cell phone and speed dialing it's almost impossible to not call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pockets when I don't even mean to. We may try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy. Just like you. If I were into you, you woulf be a bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

Well, eff.

All the excuses I have ever made come rushing back to me. And all I can think is, "I am an idiot."
Because really? If he liked me? He would WANT TO CALL ME.
And the excuse that they aren't a phone person?
That's bogus.
Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care enough for you to call you, if only because he knows that it will make you happy.

If he's not calling, not texting....
He's just not that into me.
Because if he was, he'd want to talk to me. The book says so.
For the record, a man who likes you wants to spend time with you. And he'll only settle for talking to you on the phone five times a day when he physically can't get on a plane to come see you.

It's sad that I can't even fathom someone liking me that much, that they want to talk to me on the phone. But that's not the point. It means I know what I need to be holding out for. Someone who's into me, not someone I have to make excuses for.

What about if they say they are going to call, and don't? Or they forget to? What then?? I mean, that happens, right? We all do it. I can cut him some slack here, right?

No. Barring disaster... he should never forget to call you. If I like you, I don't forget you, Ever. Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?
If the guy you're dating [or interested in, I'm assuming] doesn't call when he says he's going to, why shouldn't that be a big deal? Because you should be dating someone who's at least as good as his word.

And of course, I enjoyed this information as well-- Really busy is just another way to say "just not that into you". The word busy is a load of crap... Remember, men are never too busy to get what they want.
Come on. Admit it. We've heard it. We've made that excuse for them
And it's just a simple, 'he's just not that into you'.
Reality hurts, but in a good way.

So note from Greg, the author:
Sadly, I can't be with you ladies all the time, fending off all bad excuses, and thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you'll never see with a guy who's really into you: You'll never see you staring manically at your phone, willing it to ring. You'll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you're calling for your messages every 15 seconds [or checking it every 15 seconds to see if he's called or texted you]. You'll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn't have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics are necessary. You'll be too busy being adored.

Well.

Things I had to learn this chapter:

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind
If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this, and REALIZE he's okay with disappointing you.
Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they are going to do.
"Busy" is another word for "asshole". "Asshole" is another word for the guy that you're dating.
You deserve a f---ing phone call. [that one was my favorite, expletive and all]

So while reading this book, it's a little painful, a little embarrassing, and a whole lot educational.
But really? I don't want to settle. I don't want to be the girl who puts herself out there when the guy is so obviously not interested in her. So don't waste your time, ladies. If he wants you, he'll call you. He'll want to call you. He'll want to text you. He'll want to remind you that he's interested. He'll want you to know that you are on his mind.

Otherwise, move on.

A friend was telling me earlier tonight about how his roommate had been dating this girl for 6 months. The girl told the roommate that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, and he promptly broke up with her.
I cringed, because while I can understand her exuberance, I wonder if she was trying to hold onto something that was never really there in the first place.
Yeah, guys, we fall hard and fast. Sometimes not, but sometimes it's kind of ridiculous. We've been known to scribble down our first name with your last name. We occasionally tell our friends that we could see us together one day, married and all that jazz.

We're females. We do this.
That poor girl's mistake was telling him. Obviously, he wasn't that into her.

So, girls, keep your mouth's shut. If you like a guy, great. But don't overwhelm him. Be a little aloof. Make him beg you to spend the rest of your life with him. He should be the one laying down that statement, not you. He's chasing after you, remember? And if he's not?

He's just not that into you.

Random Thought #75

2009-11-11T15:46:00.001-06:00

Gahhhh. John Mayer's new album is major win. 4 songs in, and I'm in love.

He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out......

2009-11-10T18:08:00.013-06:00

Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out--from the book

For the record, before I begin this blogging series over the book I'm reading [which is "He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo], I want to clarify something:
Unfortunately for me, most of this is nonexistent right now in my life. At all. Working full time and going back to nursing school full time leaves very little time for socializing, much less dating. So while I'm not writing or reading this because of current personal dating experiences, I am reading and writing about it because I am a female. Who occasionally likes males. And gets caught up in the ridiculous mind games that we females like to play. Actually, I don't like to play the games, they just seem to happen without my consent.

The point is really just to remind myself that whenever these crushes do occasionally pop up, not to feed myself ridiculous untruth's about myself and the current crush. I need a lovely slap in the face about how it's supposed to be, and I like to think this book would do the trick.

So, Chapter 1 Thoughts:

Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. If we want you, we will find you.

Gosh. It's really painful to hear some of this. It's even worse knowing I do the exact things that these girls do. Make excuses.

• 'Maybe He Doesn't Want to Ruin The Friendship' excuse
• 'Maybe He Wants To Take it Slow' excuse
• 'Maybe I Don't Want To Play Games' excuse

There were others, but these 4 stuck out to me the most, because in the past 7 years, I have fed these lies to myself multiple times.

I like to think that if I stick around long enough, if I give enough hints, if I come right out and say it, that will be the thing that propels my lack of a love life into a love life.
Foooooolish.
I also have made excuses for them- "they're busy, they've got a lot going on in their life, they need time, they don't know that I like them, so that's why nothing is happening".
Also fooooolish.

The author's take on not ruining the friendship?
In the history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves--We want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just scared. The only thing he's scared of--and I say this with a lot of love-- is how not attracted to you he is.

Ouch. But really? So true. If he's interested, our friendship will only aide in the relationship, not hurt it. And eventually, [and this is truth, readers] you won't get to be friends with that male anyways. He'll start dating someone else, you'll start dating someone else, eventually marriage will come along, and that friendship that you value so much will go ka-put.
So screw the friendship. If he's worried about it, he's not into you. If you think it's important, he won't be around forever as your friend. So don't make that excuse for him. And if he makes that excuse, don't waste your time.
I'm not wasting mine.

The author's take on the going slow issue?
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.

Well. That's good to know. We've all heard it, thought it, wondered about it. Those issues that are in his life? Sure. Maybe they're real and an actual legitimate excuse. But if we're that important to him.... he'll let us know up front what he wants.
I like that.

The author's take on not wanting to play games? [this was my favorite]
Here's the little letter that went along with this one, because I needed to hear this one so much.

Dear Greg,
This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don't care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! I've called guys tons of times. You're such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can't call guys and ask them out?
Nikki

Dear Nikki,
Because we don't like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don't be mad at me, Nikki. I'm not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.
Or maybe you're the chosen one.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.

Man.
I get so frustrated with not being able to do something when it comes to relationships. The male has so much power in the initiation, and I feel like I have to sit back and wait on them. And I DON'T LIKE THAT. I want to be able to do something, I want to not be at their mercy!
But I also don't want a guy who's just not that into me. As unfair as I think this all maybe, it's still true. If he's not interested enough to pursue me, to chase me, to ask me out.... He's just not interested.

And look, the book agrees and empathizes with me--
I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

Favorite sarcastic comment by Liz, the female voice of reason in the book--
But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don't you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who'll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That'll get his attention.

What I had to learn this chapter.....
• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."
• Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
• Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
• "Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
• Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
• You are good enough to be asked out.

So. Chapter 1 down, and I already feel ten times smarter about life. At the same time, it makes my life a little easier. I don't need to worry about what a guy is thinking about me. I don't need to worry about doing something to attract his attention, or sounding funny or smart or whatever all the time just to impress him. I don't need to over analyze his every word, action, and et cetera and what that might mean for me. I don't need to worry about not being available for him or whatever.
I just need to do my thing. And if he's interested, he'll do something about it. If he's interested, he won't let anything get in his way. Not even me, right?

Random Thought #74

2009-11-03T23:23:00.001-06:00

The Middle Eastern man at the laundry mat kept calling the nickel I accidentally got stuck in the coin slot a 'nipple'.
awkward.

Random Thought #73

2009-11-03T11:35:00.001-06:00

Holy goodness.

I got my letter, and I start nursing school again in January.
Yesterday was one of the most incredible days ever.
Finally started my first IV.

I've got a ton of laundry to fold, and some yoga to do.

Then sleep, because tomorrow will be busy.

Random Thought #72

2009-11-01T18:17:00.000-06:00

At least I know I'm ridiculous.

Random Thought #71

2009-10-31T23:08:00.002-05:00

Went to a friends house to watch the children in their costumes ask for candy, enjoy a few drinks, and watch The Changeling. [the 80's version]. I'm a complete wuss when it comes to scary movies, by the way. That one wasn't even supposed to be that scary, but I screamed a blood-curdling scream more than once.

Fall back on the clocks is tonight. Or now.

Church in the morning at Soma. Starbucks before.

Studying and laundry after church.

I should hopefully be getting my letter from Tyler on Monday.

Random Thought #70

2009-10-31T16:08:00.002-05:00

DISCLAIMER: this post talks about bra's and breasts. just a forewarning.

I think I may have found the holy grail of bra's.

Comfort, support, lift without any push up or excessive padding, and fits perfectly.

Dream Angels Demi for the win.
I have not once had to readjust my straps or rearrange the ladies. It's underwire, for those who aren't a fan, but there might be the same brand without the wire. It's also got a memory foam? [so the saleslady told me] and apparently it's to help the bra conform to your breasts, not make your breasts conform to the bra, which is ingenious. I like this padding because it's extremely thin, but still provides some coverage for when there's a chill in the air. I have the lined bra's that pose as t-shirt bra's, but those really add unnecessary layering to an already large chest size. This one works fantastically.
Seriously, I don't think the girls have ever looked or felt this good. The Dream Angel also comes in a full coverage version, as well.

I plan on investing in several of these.

Random Thought #69

2009-10-31T01:09:00.003-05:00

There is some seriously loud banging come from upstairs. What said banging is, I'm not sure of, but I'm suspicious.

Today was such a good day.
Phone is back and working. I have to get new ringtones though.

Still no mail from Tyler.

I have very little faith in Kristen Stewart's acting ability for New Moon.
Seriously. She looks miserable when she's with Edward, how am I supposed to know she's sad he left? Ridiculous.

I ordered "He's Just Not That Into You" on Amazon.
I'm looking forward to getting a slap in the face after reading it. I'll most definitely be blogging my thoughts during and after reading it. Look forward to it.

I don't know if I've mentioned how much I love my job today... but I do.

Also, I love you.
And sleep.

Random Thought #68

2009-10-29T22:18:00.005-05:00

I've probably never mentioned this, but I really love my job, so freaking much.

I've got a killer headache.

Tomorrow I get my phone back-yay!

Today was pay-day. Always a good thing.

Tomorrow is Holly's birthday dinner. I'm very much excited.

Have I mentioned my headache?

I need to do laundry tomorrow. And clean. and go shopping.

No letter from Tyler. Maybe tomorrow?

Talked to Lisa tonight on Skype. Yay, technology. She told me some good things. I have such a wise sister.

Watching the Office. I feel like it's picked up again, which is A+.

Does anyone else thing that Steve Carell is looking old?

Minda's Christmas gift is taken care of.
Mom's gift is taken care of.
I know what I'm doing for Lisa.

and Dad is just a lost cause.

Tomorrow brings exciting things.

Sideways smile for your viewing pleasure.

Random Thought #67

2009-10-28T20:55:00.003-05:00

Gahhhh, I love my job.

I also love the sound of the wind blowing, as it is doing right now.

Also, I can most definitely hear my neighbors above and beside me. Which means they hear me.
...Awkward, knowing I sing loudly in the shower....

No mail from Tyler yet. Boo..

Today was long, but good. I'm looking forward to this weekend.

Just so you know, I love you.
A whole lot more than you probably realize.

Random Thought #66

2009-10-27T21:35:00.002-05:00

This song makes my heart ache.

Their new album is out.
I like so far.

Random Thought #65

2009-10-27T18:37:00.003-05:00

While I adore the clouds and rain, I also adore the sun.
I needed to go wash my scrubs, so I went down the road to the laundromat, started my clothes, then went to the Starbucks next door. Just me, a bottle of water, a Michael Crichton book [Jurassic Park- his work never gets old] and John Coltrane playing on my iPod.
It was chilly, sunny, and breezy.

Perfection.

Then a guy came up with his black Labrador to do pretty much the same thing I was.
It made me want a dog, so I could have someone to sit with me.

I would have taken a picture to let you all enjoy the moment with me. But since I don't have a phone, that's obviously out of the question.

Regardless... This weather does things to me.

Random Thought #64

2009-10-27T12:31:00.002-05:00

Potential Awkward moment averted.

I live by myself. While this does get lonely at times, it comes with a slew of benefits. One of my favorites is the fact that I don't have to get dressed if I'm doing nothing but sitting around in my apartment.
Today I was half dressed, but minus the pants. Suddenly, I hear a knock and a voice calling out "Pest Control" right above me- He gets no answer, proceeds to get out keys, walk in and out quickly and move on to the next apartment.
He's about to come to my door and I'm not wearing pants.
Awkward.
I managed to get decent in time for the knock to come to my door, so he didn't have to barge in.

But still. Could have been so awkward. What if I had been sleeping in the nude? I would so not have had time to make things appropriate.

This post is probably not appropriate. But whatever. You don't have to read it.

Random Thought #63

2009-10-27T12:00:00.002-05:00

My phone stopped working, so I've been in a generally bad mood all day. What's even better is that while it will be available for me to pick up tomorrow, I'm working two 12's in a row, so the earliest I can get it is Friday.

Booooo.

It's been amusing to see so many people comment on facebook or twitter how sick and tired they are of the rain.
Amusing, because I absolutely love it. I mean, I don't have anything against the sunny cool fall days either, but I love this weather. It does something to me inside my chest when I see it.

I have 9 missed alerts on my phone that I cannot view because my phone is idiotic.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I'm a masochist.

Friday is Holly's birthday dinner. I need to find something to wear, because my closet is severely lacking.

Random Thought #62

2009-10-25T20:42:00.004-05:00

Fireflies by Owl City.
Go listen. I like it. I've got it on repeat.

2 more water bottles to drink.

Work was fantastic today. I love my job. I love my patients. I love the patient's families. I love my coworkers.

I love it.

My head aches. I need to do my yoga. I actually did 3 rounds of the Sun Salutations this morning. That was pleasant. I felt stretched and relaxed.
So more yoga tonight. I'd like to go run tomorrow.

It's supposed to start raining again.
I'm okay with that. I like the rain.

I will be checking my mailbox religiously for the next week.
Obviously if it's a good letter, you will hear practically immediately.

If it's negative...
I might cry for a few days.

Actually I'll cry either way. This place, this town, this moment in my life is not permanent. It's not forever. Getting in will give me a timeline, a deadline, a ticket. So maybe 2 years is a long time. Maybe I took the long way around. Maybe I could have done things differently in my life, made better choices, and saved myself a whole world of regret.

But I didn't. So here I am. There's a reason for it. It's made me who I am, for better or for worse.
And slowly, the regret of what could have been is fading.
For now, at least.

So I'll wait for now. I'll bide my time, work and study, and someday, after waiting for so long, things might all fall into place.

unserious rambling from here on out.

I'm babysitting on Tuesday. exciting.

I might be going to meet some amazing ladies for drinks in 2 weeks- that excites me.

One bottle of water left. Then I can go to bed.

And wake up early. To do homework and yoga and run.

Or I might wait up for the storms.

Random Thought #61

2009-10-24T22:30:00.001-05:00

Just a quick thought before I go to sleep--
I'm trying to make sure that I'm drinking in between 2000 and 3000 milliliters [or 2-3 liters] of water a day, to help my gallbladder feel better, to help avoid kidney stones that I've had and am predisposed to, and for overall health.
But on days I work, I find it a bit difficult to 1), have time to even drink one bottle, and 2), even if I did, I don't have time to run to the bathroom all day to pee. I just don't. Too many patients, too little time.

So my plan is to just make sure that as soon as I get off, I start chugging. Unfortunately, this means I pee all night.

There is no win here.

Random Thought #60

2009-10-24T20:16:00.007-05:00

Hi.

I like this song.

My back hurts. I'm going to need to do yoga tonight.
Actually, I think yoga is the reason my back hurts. But I think if I keep doing it, the hurt will leave'? Maybe? Hopefully? I don't know. But yoga it will be as soon as I finish writing this.

It's kinda cool outside. I'm wearing lounge pants and a sweatshirt in my apartment, and I feel comfortable cozy. I like that feeling. Cozy. I also like wearing sweatshirts. So I took a picture for you. In my lounge pants and sweatshirt.

Because I'm cool like that.

So I should find out about the program this week? Maybe? Hopefully.

I've noticed that I rarely say "you're welcome" when responding to a thank you. I'm not sure why. My go-to phrase is 'no problem', but is that an okay response? Do people want a you're welcome? I think my problem is that I don't feel like I really deserve thanks for most of what I'm thanked for. So by saying 'you're welcome', I'm taking credit for something that I don't really deserve, or that should be done anyway. Why thank my lungs every time I breathe in and out? It's supposed to supply oxygen. That's it's job. Or it's basic courtesy. Whatever. I'm not sure.

I need to drink 2 more bottles of water before I go to bed.

Sweet Caroline beat out Don't Stop Believing on the Glee Cast albums.
Yes, I'm a Glee nerd. Or a Gleek, maybe? Is that what they are calling it?

Okay. I have nothing else exciting to say.

Except I love my job. I love what I do. I loooooove it. I can't wait to know more, to learn more, to do more, to go places with it....

Okay. that's all.

Random Thought #59

2009-10-22T21:01:00.001-05:00

I like his new song.

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get....

Watch/Listen here.

Random Thought #58

2009-10-22T18:47:00.003-05:00

Tonight is Bones. Which means, since I don't have a television [but am most defintely paying for cable], I will be watching it tomorrow when I get off work.

Actually, I am remiss. There is not a new Bones tonight. Sad. There's also no new Glee until November. Same with House. Booooo.

So. November looks to be a promising month.
A new John Mayer album will be coming out.
New Moon comes out.
2012 comes out.
Thanksgiving [thought I'll probably be working].
My birthday.
I might be getting off orientation at work.
I should know about nursing school [that one has the potential to go either really good or really bad].
My insurance kicks in, so I can go get contacts that are the right prescription, glasses that fit my face and aren't crooked, and an estrogen/progesterone pill that will inevitably clear my skin up again [see, when you put it that way, it sounds okay. but if I were to say birth control, it just doesn't sound as classy].

November also means that the year is almost over, and Christmas is coming. Christmas, another holiday I will most likely be working. But still. Christmas is nice. Family is nice. Meeting the sister's SO will hopefully be nice.
I'm hoping that sometime in November/December I can make a trip up to Denton to see people.
I've got two December weddings to attend. One in Paris, the other Houston.

I'm thinking of getting this dress.
Tomorrow I'm working 7a-7p with the ward clerk.

I wish I still had a crush on Robert Pattinson. Really. You have no idea how much.

Random Thought #57

2009-10-22T13:20:00.003-05:00

Hahaha, I told you Make This Go On Forever has been stuck in my head, right? Last post is proof.

Just watched Glee- in exciting news, apparently Jonathan Groff, who was the lead opposite Lea Michele [who plays Rachel in Glee] in Spring Awakening, will be starring in it for like 5-6 episodes!!!
"Groff will play the lead male singer of Vocal Adrenaline, the vocal group seen in the pilot episode performing “Rehab,” and will serve as a potential love interest for Rachel".

That makes me super ridiculously excited. I loved loved loved Spring Awakening, and the two of them together again, singing?

Win.

Random Thought #56

2009-10-22T02:13:00.000-05:00

Would it even make a difference if I told you I loved you?

Had a good night. Need to shower then go to sleep, because all I want to do tomorrow is NOTHING. And sleep. and work out. and do homework. and get my stuff ready for the weekend. and do NOTHING.

Please don't let this turn into something it's not. I can only give you everything I've got.

I love this weather, so much. Is it strange it's slightly lonely, as well?

I can't be as sorry as you think I should, but I still love you more than anyone else could.

I had dinner with Jay Curt tonight. I'm so grateful to have him back in my life.

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight is it could take my whole damn life to make this right

I had some zucchini bread today, and oh my word. That stuff is fantastic. Absolutely incredible. Minda needs to make me several loaves...

This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long, because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

My eyes are so anxious to close.

We have got through so much worse than this before, what's so different this time that you can't ignore?

I find the things that they keep teaching me during orietnation absolutely fascinating. I worked with the Case Manager today, and it's kind of amusing how much there is I need to remember and do. I want to be good. I want to be a great nurse. I want to do my job well. I hope I can remember it all.

You say it is much more than just my last mistake, and we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

I need to go shower.

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could...

I might not be able to keep my eyes opened to do that though.

First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything...

Got some advice tonight. We'll see if I take it, and if it's good...

The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned...

I don't like not ever being called by my name. Say it. Type it. Use my name, please? Or some variation of it at least. STrange, I know,

The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love...

I've had some crazy dreams lately.

And I don't know where to look

I don't think I hold the cards anymore.

My words just break and melt

As much as I update my computer, there are still updates all the freaking time waiting to be downloaded. Why can't they just do it all at once?

Please just save me from this darkness

I'm ready to watch Glee.

Please just save me from this darkness...

Random Thought #55

2009-10-21T17:01:00.002-05:00

My hands smell like latex gloves and antiseptic. Not a winning combination.

It feels amazing outside right now.

I'm off work tomorrow, and that is exciting.

Currently the thought of lifting my head off of the couch cushion seems like such a cruel idea.

I need to go check my mail. Because I want a letter from UT Tyler. I know it won't be there, but I still want to check.

It's almost amusing how dependent I've become on that first cup of coffee in the morning.

Also amusing is how exhausted I am at the end of the day, no matter what day.

I will totally not have a life again once I start nursing school. [See that? positive thinking. be proud.] I will also be working full time. That's going to be kind of ridiculous. But exciting.

I'm working three 12's in a row this weekend again. I think I need more scrubs.

...I've been inclined to believe it never would

Random Thought #54

2009-10-20T23:24:00.002-05:00

GLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They did Sweet Caroline and while I know Caroline is not my actual name, I get called it a whole lot. My dad calls me that more than he calls me Caralyn.

But watch it, and know that I'm swooning.

ahhhhhhhhhh, love it.

Random Thought #53

2009-10-20T20:33:00.003-05:00

Had dinner with the parents tonight. It was nice. I like talking to them.

Awkward moment of the day #354: leaving Wal-Mart, I am walking to my car when a loud "Hey" catches my attention-- I stop, look over, and am told, "Girl, you are FINE" by some random guy.
I looked at him for like 2 seconds, trying to comprehend if he was really calling me fine, AND in a parking lot, then decided I had no idea what the proper response was. I just gave him a puzzled look and got in my car and left.

Make This Go On Forever has seriously been on repeat all day.

Backwards smiley faces [ (: instead of :) ] confuse me.

My dad asked me today who Miles Davis was. I nearly cried.

I loathe my pathophysiology class. I miss my old instructors.

I finally got my stethoscope in. Well, sort of.

My mom brought me cupcake pans.

Another song I'm currently into: Whisper, by A Fine Frenzy

And Muse, because you just should.

That's all.

Random Thought #52

2009-10-19T18:35:00.002-05:00

We would never know if the other was telling the truth, because it's hidden beneath our words.
It's hidden beneath mine, at least. If you look hard enough.

And I think I damaged my left forefinger. Badly, actually. And I have no idea how. But it hurts like a mother. And I'm having a hard time straightening it.

Random Thought #51

2009-10-18T19:32:00.004-05:00

Things you need to check out:
This cover of Single Ladies. I don't really like the song, but this rendition is a+.

Autotune the news: this one and then this one. and this one. And any others you may want to visit.

Glee did a mix between It's My Life and Confessions. And, it's pretty incredible. Watch.

Everyday I Have the Blues-- the intro owns me.

And just because he's classy.

And because it was a good cover.

Okay. That's all I've got for your entertainment. In exciting news, a man was shot and killed right outside my friends apartment here in Tyler. She tells me this AFTER I walk to Starbucks, nearly a mile from my place, past some sketchy apartments. I'm thinking of investing in pepper spray. And a handgun.

Random Thought #50

2009-10-18T14:55:00.002-05:00

I'm losing count- I keep having to go back and edit my blog titles because I'm double numbering.

Does this mean I blog too much?
Eh, I don't know. But it sure beats talking to myself when I have all these thoughts rolling around in my head.

My teeth have felt weird all day. Not sure why.
I had a five-cheese pizza for lunch. There was gouda and goat cheese on it, and a pesto sauce instead of a marinara- it was delectable.

Regina Spektor has a song called "Laughing With", and I like it. You should listen to it.

Today I'm a 'no' on going back blonde. Also, I need to do homework and run.
I enjoyed hanging out with friends today. I like laughing. There's been lots of laughing the past two days, and I really appreciate that.

The beginning to "Everyday I Have the Blues" on the Where the Light Is album by John Mayer is fantastic. Everytime I hear it I wish I had a guitar in my hand so I could play along with him. Not that I can play the guitar, but I could pretend.

The weather is INCREDIBLE. Bah. I'm in love.

And my teeth are driving my insane.

Have I mentioned the weather? It makes me want to be on a walk, hand in hand with someone, and laughing.
It's that kind of weather.

Random Thought #49

2009-10-18T01:12:00.004-05:00

I should be asleep, because I have to get up early.

Homemade tortilla's are incredibly amazing.

I'm anxious for some answers. I want to know what happens, where it will all end up. I want to know if I'm going to only disappoint myself in the end for hoping. I want to hope. I have such a fear of hope, though. Not in all cases, I don't think. But sometimes, you hope, and nothing goes as planned, and even though later on in life you see how it all turned out the way it was supposed to be, you still can pinpoint that utmost disappointment and pain from your failed hope. The hope that let you down, and it hurts, and I'm depressing at 0230 in the morning.

On more pleasant topics: I'm going to Soma again in the morning-- hopefully I won't have to search for a church if this one pans out. I need to do homework tomorrow, iron my scrubs, and go to bed super early. And run. I REALLY need to run.

My apartment is like a smaller version of the Cave, thanks to my curtains.
Celine Dion has a powerhouse of a voice, and I love her, but her music videos are absolutely terrible, in every way.

My upstairs neighbors were vacuuming at 0130. Really?

Bed.

This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.--jack kerouac

Random Thought #48

2009-10-16T23:27:00.004-05:00

Things that make me feel uncomfortable:

The fact that I can hear people outside very clearly- I can't hear them once they are inside, but if they're right out the door- I can hear every word.

So does this mean they can hear me? When I'm singing, or talking to myself, or whatever the case maybe, can they hear if they are outside?

That's just strange.

Also, I think the wc nurse wanted to set me up with her son.
I smoothly informed her I was avoiding anything that would somehow trap me in Texas.
The attempt soon ended.

Random Thought #47

2009-10-16T18:11:00.003-05:00

holy mother of word....
I had an interesting day.

lots of blood. lots of wounds. lots of patients with bowel movements. lots of mental tirades. a nice paycheck.

but i loved it.

and now i'm exhausted.

Random Thought #46

2009-10-16T07:24:00.004-05:00

Today's a 9-5 day with the wound care nurse. Should be exciting, informative, and graphic. Yay, wounds.

John Mayer's tweets make me laugh. i.e. : That cat from the "hang in there" poster just died. Makes a man just wanna give up.

More than likely I will not be able to find a close parking spot today. Boo.

This line is stuck in my head "Shes a witch of trouble in electric blue, in her own mad mind shes in love with you.-- With you.-- Now what you gonna do?"
Just that. And it's on repeat. I need it to either play the complete song or move on.

oh wait, complete song now playing.

I need to go shower asap. But I need to finish my coffee first. Oh, the predicaments I find myself in. Too bad there's not a way for me to do both.

15 days till I should find out about the transition program.
I got a check for the first half of my sign on bonus--- A+, my friends. And it's only for a contract of 15 months. Which I'll be here anyway [hopefully] for school. It's a win-win.

I need to do HW tonight. Then run. Cause I didn't go yesterday, but I did take a nap that was forever long. Hold me to it!

Today I'm a no-go on going back blonde. Probably because yesterday's hair day and self esteem day was good.
We'll see what I am tomorrow. If I do end up going back, it will probably be done impulsively.

Because I'm apparently impulsive.

Okay, coffee is done. Time for shower, then work.

Random Thought #45

2009-10-15T21:44:00.001-05:00

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...
--Jack Kerouac

I see you now.
You burn.

Random Thought #44

2009-10-15T14:39:00.003-05:00

Today is a phenomenal hair day. And a "I feel pretty" day.
I looove days like this.

I had fried catfish for lunch today-- I had no idea I liked catfish. This could be a problem.

I just realized I left my travel coffee cup somewhere at the hospital. daaaang. that is most unfortunate.

Do you ever get smiles you just can't contain? Like, they just spread over your face and they are so slow to go away?

Those are my favorite.

Random Thought #43

2009-10-14T20:14:00.003-05:00

Cooking is just not as satisfying when you're only cooking for yourself. The joy is lost, somehow.

Sad.

Today was a long day. A good day, but long. I got to see some cool procedures, and took care of two pretty cool patients.
I also noted for the first time that a certain stereotype/mythology that I never was really sure If I believed has the potential to be true. If only I could find someone to tell who could appreciate the my observation.

My patients liked me. I liked them. I LOVE my job. It's the most satisfying thing ever. I love it.

Right now I'm making tortellini with a butter garlic sauce, sauteed chicken marinated in garlic, oregano, black pepper, and kosher salt, and I'm thinking about breaking out the red wine for it.

But I still need to run, so maybe not.

I am NEVER getting in a tanning bed again. Or going out to get myself burned in the sun. I had a patient today who cured me of all my sun-loving ways.

another engagement.
i have nothing else to say.

Random Thought #42

2009-10-14T05:06:00.004-05:00

First of all, let's mention the weather [despite the rain]: other than the fact it's supposed to get up to 80 today [horrible, and unwelcome in rainy weather], it's cooling down considerably. Which friends, is exciting. Like Saturday, with a low of 44? And Sunday, a high of 63?
I'm good with that.

Second, I've got 5 minutes to finish a cup of coffee before I need to go start getting ready for work. Good thing I can type single-handedly.

I did make it to thy gym last night, eventually.
Payday is Friday.
I was really grateful I took my umbrella to class yesterday, as it was only misting when I went in, and a torrential downpour as I got out.
I'm not sure that I will ever successfully transition back into living with someone again. Not that I don't like having roommates, but I really enjoy not having to get dressed all the time, or ever. [tmi?]
My scrubs for work are green. I actually like the color, though most everyone else seems to be dreading the uniform switch come January.
I work tomorrow and Friday.

Sometimes I wonder if my neighbors are just REALLY quiet, or the insulation at the apartment complex is just really well done. Can they hear me singing in the shower? Cause I'm doing it, loudly.

Random Thought #41

2009-10-13T15:29:00.004-05:00

i've got lots of thoughts rolling around in my head right now.
that means everything must be in lowercase, because i still haven't come to a conclusion about anything.

also, i'm stealing minda's bullet points.

i talked to minda yesterday about something that i was extremely frustrated about. i did not leave the conversation happy. i did however, today, realize that if push came to shove, i could do what needed to be done without overly drastic measures. so i feel better.

john mayer is playing right now. that always makes my heart happy.

it's raining right now, and i swear it's rained practically every day for the past month. i feel like i know what it's like to live in seattle now. i think i could do it.

i like the rain. i'm not wanting it to go away.

i need to go to the gym at some point today.

i work tomorrow through friday.

i also work on sunday. and apparently there are no churches in the area with saturday night services. rude.

i should be finding out about nursing school within the next 2 weeks.

coffee is a must for rainy days.

i like knowing i have clean teeth after i've brushed, flossed, and rinsed with mouthwash. there's just some feeling of accomplishment that follows it.

my face is slowly starting to get better again. it's finally adjusting to the water or something. i want to go back to just wearing powder, and put the foundation away.

i've talked about going back blonde. i'm still debating.

i've lied twice in the past month to two different people about my availability status. i don't want to be asked out, so it's easier to say i'm not single. how horrible is that? i'm not ashamed to be single, i just don't want to be thought of as an option to people. bad. i know

i want these shoes:
also, these:
and this dress

[and that's all for now for wants]

i have a complex about a lot of things. ask meagan.

i have lots of songs floating around in my head all the time.

i just made soup, forgot about it, and all the broth evaporated. sad.

i don't have anything else to say.

Random Thought #40

2009-10-09T21:20:00.003-05:00

There's an undeniable swagger that takes place when walking while listening to "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls on your iPod.

It happened in Wal-Mart, and I promise you I couldn't contain it.

Random Thought #39

2009-10-06T19:38:00.001-05:00

I absolutely love my mom.

I'm pressing the "refresh" button on my life. And I think that's a good thing.

Random Thought #38

2009-10-06T15:57:00.004-05:00

Just watched an advertisement for Ketel 1 Vodka [i think that's how it's spelled.]

It's all about men being men, and not drinking just whatever is handed to them.

But all the men in the commercial were wearing suits.
Why did I not know that suits made men look so good?
I completely missed that growing up.
I think I'd like to go back to watching that commercial...

Bring on the suits.

Ung. Beautiful. I want.

That is all.

Random Thought #37

2009-10-05T21:29:00.002-05:00

I doubt my future as a wife will ever be a possibility. There are only a few future options where I can see that actually playing out, but I see more wisdom in not counting on that slim possibility.

The above statement is not a complaint, but more of just a 'shrug and move on' statement.

So. I live by myself. I go to work, I go to class, I come home, I go to Starbucks. Occasionally I get lunch with friends. I go to church on Sunday's if I'm not working.

I watch House, Bones, and Glee online. I listen to music. I go grocery shopping, and buy for one. Eating out is an occurrence that only takes place with other people, because I see no point if I'm by myself.

I talk to my family on the phone, and occasionally I'll chat with Meag or whoever else calls.

I imagine I'll go home [if I'm off work, of course] for holidays, and eventually when I'm making enough money [or have enough saved away] I'll travel. Visit family in other states, go to places I've wanted to see, and et cetera.

This is how my life will go.
I need a dog.

If I'm single [and minus potentials] in 3 years- I'll begin travel nursing. I'll apply for an online program to get my masters. After a couple of years of travel nursing, if I'm still single, I'll apply for Doctors Without Borders once I've got my ANP.
Depending on how long the wait is, I'll work in becoming a certified nurse midwife. If I can deliver babies, I can do more to help.

I don't know how long that will pan out in the long run.
But I'm thinking about after all that, after coming back from DWB... working on getting into med school.

I mean, why not? If I'm single... I have the time.

It's a thought.

Would I like to get married, have a family? Sure. I'd love that. Working on the floor, going home to my husband, maybe raising kids? I'd like that a lot.

But if that is not an option... well, second best, eh?

My life would be adventurous, I'd get to live my life doing what I love. Helping, serving. I'd just do it in more places. I'd be getting a ton more education in the process, because apparently I love school too much. But I mean... why not? If nothing else is for me, I see no reason not to spend as much time as possible doing better things then sitting at home on my days off...

Anyways. The point of this whole blog is that I'm discovering what my life is going to be like for the rest of my life. And I'm going to need to figure out how to make myself more useful and meaningful, outside of the hospital.

Random Thought #36

2009-09-24T17:48:00.000-05:00

okay.

i'm lonely.

Random Thought #35

2009-09-19T14:26:00.001-05:00

Dancing phalanges!!!!

Random Thought #34

2009-09-17T20:38:00.003-05:00

Life is good, I swear- I finally got a fantastic job, I'm moving to Tyler on Wednesday, and things are shaping up.

I just think I did something incredibly stupid today, and it's completely shut down my overwhelming joy that's been going on since yesterday. Not that I'm that fickle, but some things in my life, I enjoy being in my life. And I would be extremely sad for those things to not be in my life. So when I start screwing things up by my own accord, I think a whole lot of self-loathing comes into play [or so Butler tells me]. I just want to take what I can get at this point.

Bah.

I fail at life.

Random Thought #33

2009-09-13T19:36:00.005-05:00

This weather is PERFECT.
Holy crap. A friend described it as a joy-gasm-- I think it's fitting.
It's so cloudy, and cool, and rainy, and beautiful, and windy, and it makes me want to be in love.
Excuse me while I go spend the rest of the evening outside.

Ughhhh, it makes me so happy. Like, joy is seriously radiating throughout my body at this very moment with the perfection of this weather.

Random Thought #32

2009-09-13T12:44:00.006-05:00

Today, it's rainy and cloudy, with a high of 73. The Cowboys are playing on the TV [not that I'm watching it, of course], and Molly [my pup] is sleeping at my feet.
The internet is painfully slow, unfortunately, so it's severely limiting my homework submitting ability.
These are the days that scream "Take a Nap!"
I'm considering listening to that advice.

This song is stuck in my head. Or, if you prefer, this song.

Random Thought #31

2009-09-11T15:16:00.002-05:00

Why do I feel so tired after working out? I thought I was supposed to feel a rush of endorphins and adrenaline? Where is my fight or flight system? Why is nothing kicking in?

Maybe I'm defective.

This defect is impairing my ability to study.

Random Thought #30

2009-09-10T15:31:00.002-05:00

Oh my fricken' word.

I've been watching Bridezilla for the past three hours, and this is the most horrifying show ever.
Horrifying.
These women are INSANE.

Mental.

I'm at a loss for words.

Random Thought #29

2009-09-09T23:24:00.004-05:00

He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy.
She was a wreck but he loved her.
She was a wreck but so was he.
And the last time he saw Dorie he didn't know what to say
But "thank you because you loved me, it's all on me cause I didn't want to stay."
I didn't want to stay.

Live, live, live,
live because you love, love, love,
And love will make you give, give, give,
And give in when you break, break, break
But you just want to fix yourself.
Just to break again.

--Copeland, The Last Time He Saw Dorie

Random Thought #28

2009-09-09T22:42:00.002-05:00

Just because I'm a petite, does not mean I can wear skinny jeans, thank you.

It's called curves. Thanks.

Random Thought #27

2009-09-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

Dude, Glee is amazing.
Can I burst out into song randomly? Yes?
Okay, thank you.

Random Thought #26

2009-09-09T19:37:00.007-05:00

To be serious just for a moment.

This has been running over in my head the past few weeks, and I just need to get it out.

Worth has several different definitions.

the quality that renders something desirable, useful, or valuable
quality that commands esteem or respect; merit: a person of great worth
equal in value to something specified
deserving of; meriting

A quality that renders something valuable, desirable... that demands respect or merit... a person of worth.

I think everyone wants to be a person of worth. I think everyone wants to end up with a person of worth. People want to feel that they are equal to their friends, their partner. People want to feel that they are valuable, that they are deserving of.

I'm aware that there is forgiveness. I'm aware that there is grace. But I have a hard time forgiving myself
I've a hard time finding worth in myself.

On a lighter note, I think that our hand soap in the bathroom smells like cherry cough syrup. I find my gag reflex kicking in every time I smell it.

Random Thought #25

2009-09-09T18:17:00.001-05:00

I got to see Rachel this weekend.
I've missed her, a lot. It was nice to catch up. She's a forever kind of friend. You know, the kind that even if you lose contact with for a time, you can pick up things easily when you do get back together.
If I ever get married, she'll be one of the few people I'll ask to stand up at the altar with me.

Random Thought #24

2009-09-09T14:37:00.002-05:00

Today, I made a move in a positive direction.

I feel better. It's not a 'cure' or a quick fix, but it's a step in the right direction.

Random Thought #23

2009-09-04T22:41:00.001-05:00

17 Again made me fall in love with Zac Efron.

curse you, zac efron.

Random Thought #22

2009-09-02T19:20:00.003-05:00

Class yesterday. Interview today.

I would like to know things. LOTS of things.
But for now, I'll settle for knowing if I get a job and if I get in the program.

But I DO want to know other things. I'm okay with waiting, though.

Random Thought #21

2009-08-31T16:09:00.001-05:00

I can't live like this forever. I will seriously lose my sanity if I have to stay in limbo much longer.

Random Thought #20

2009-08-30T21:47:00.005-05:00

Things learnt while watching Legally Blonde:
* First step in winning the heart of your douche of an ex involves becoming a law student.
* Pink is not acceptable.
* Law students aren't swayed by sustenance.
* Wearing a bunny costume to a party is the inspiration to do better than the douche of an ex.
* Male masturbatory emissions are considered reckless abandonment. [whaa....?]
* Pink scented resumes will get you your dream internship.
* Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy- happy people just don't shoot their husbands. [infallible logic]
* UPS men apparently render nail technicians speechless.
* The bend-and-snap has an 83% return on a dinner invitation. [why have i not used this technique?]

---[i'm losing brain cells watching this]---

* Please tell me the phrase 'girls like me don't go out with guys like you' in has never come out of anybody's mouth in a demeaning manner. Please, please, please, please. I get it if they're saying it with the thought that they aren't good enough [like the girl doesn't think she's good enough for the guy], but if it's being said to imply that the guy isn't up to her standards?? Shoot the girl now.
* The handsome third year isn't enough to convince a girl to stay in law school... but he is a nice bonus when you win the case and decide to stay.
* Encouragement from the professor who kicked you out of class on your first day will inspire you to prove yourself to the pervy professor who hit on you and the rest of the world who considers you a dumb blonde.
* Basic knowledge of hair care and perm maintenance will win you a murder trial.

---'any Cosmo girl would have known'??? shoooot me.---

* 'poo bear' as an endearment makes me want to throw up.

and that's all I have for now.

Random Thought #19

2009-08-29T13:13:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting next to a girl who is planning a wedding...

I refuse to ever plan a wedding. I'm either eloping or putting it all off on someone else. That just seems like torture at it's finest.

Random Thought #18

2009-08-29T12:35:00.002-05:00

I used to feel comfortable coming to my coffee shop. Now it feels awkward and ... not mine.
Strange.

Random Thought #17

2009-08-27T23:01:00.002-05:00

I passed the NCLEX, so I'm an official nurse, recognized by the State of Texas. Pretty cool stuff.

Turned in my application to UT-Tyler today... still unemployed, still living in Paris. Three more things to do/figure out before I can live a relatively stress free life...and get into therapy.

Random Thought #16

2009-08-23T17:00:00.001-05:00

William Fitzsimmons' music makes me feel like I should be sitting in a dark room, crying as it rains, with a bottle of wine... surround by several empty bottles of wines.

I still like it a lot.